Good Guys

TNWT is proud to welcome a guest posting by Charles Brown, “Author, Designer, and Vainglorious Vanguardist.” This if the first of what I hope will be many articles from Charles.

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I was thinking about people. Men in particular, but folks in general. And how difficult it seems to find someone to date and eventually settle down with. You often hear, “Where are the good ones? Where are all the good guys?” That question is usually followed by the resolution “There ain’t any good guys!” or “They’re all taken.” or –I love this one- “They’re all gay!” (for straight women) and “They’re all straight!” (for gay men). It does feel that way sometimes, but I don’t believe they are all taken by someone who had the good fortune and sense to get their first and snap them up or that they are all playing for the other team- whichever team that might be. I think the presumed lack of good guys goes much deeper than that.

Quite simply, I have determined that there are a lot of good guys out there, but they have serious character flaws. They are not the kinds of flaws that keep them from being successful, contributing members of society, but they do keep them just shy of being ideal mates. Sometimes it’s different kinds of flaws, and sometimes it’s the degree of the flaw. Flaws that come to mind are cowardice, indecision, mistrust, paranoia, social anxiety, self-aggrandizement, misrepresentation, lying/mendacity, delusion, negativity/pessimism, irresponsibility/lack of ownership, lack of fortitude, amorality, disrespectful, shiftlessness, selfishness, impeding fear, derision/divisiveness, infidelity, and avarice. Again, I emphasize the issue of degree. For all these flaws I listed (and a plethora, I’m sure, I left out) are intrinsically human and we all possess them. But they present themselves in trace amounts, rarely detectable, and rather innocuous in most healthy, balanced, functional adults; it’s benign.

In these good guys, though, it’s malignant. It’s adversely affecting their lives and their interpersonal relationships. It doesn’t keep them from functioning- on the contrary, they may be high-functioning and terribly successful in many aspects of life- but there is likely some level of imbalance to their life; likely due to an emotional imbalance (not necessarily hormonal or mental) which causes AND is consequently exacerbated by the character flaw. They will still have plenty of friends, but those friends in most cases are there IN SPITE OF those flaws, because the friendship has been constructed in such a way that allows the flaws to exist without detriment to the other person or the relationship. This is difficult to do in a more intimate relationship. (Not impossible mind you, as it happens every hour of every day, but more difficult.) The next degree of flaw is that of the sociopath or the emotionally/mentally disabled; the traits are not only malignant but have metastasized. They can no longer function properly within society and are impeding the progress and productivity of others and themselves. So the good guys fall smack dab between the two extremes, very rarely worsening to a disabled or sociopathic state, but not often enough improving to an optimally healthy state.

What’s interesting about this continuum I have come up with is that because of their place in the middle and the sheer numbers in their ranks, they are normal…or more accurately, what is considered the norm. Leaving anyone on the healthier end as abnormal - as erroneous and unjust as that may seem. So because I have the courage of my convictions, am faithful, positive, progressive, realistic, self-aware/aware of others, respectful, moral, value-driven, responsible, selfless, humble, kind, strong minded and strong willed, I am abnormal and duly punished?! This is the kind of conundrum of life that drive “abnormal” sane folks like myself crazy and makes us bitter. Because the slew of “normal” folks, the good guys, are finding other “normal” good guys, and living “normal” lives – this “normal” seems relatively dysfunctional and less appealing to us, but at the same time we are fiercely envious of it. What happens next is the real killer! You start to doubt yourself and begin to think something is wrong with you! You actually start to believe that because the continuum states by numbers and concentration that you are on the abnormal end, that you are actually somehow flawed by having your mental and emotional faculties securely in check! This actually happened to me this past weekend…

Things were not going well on the romantic front at all. Every prospect I had was becoming increasingly more disappointing by the minute. In my despair and impending free-fall, I decide to take control and do what I used to do (in my days as an over-planning control freak) and devise a strategic plan of action for my love life. It went as follows (names have been eliminated to protect myself and the other parties!):

1. Pursue the friend who you always thought was cute, sweet, viable, etc but kept at a distance because you liked him enough to save as an almost-last-resort, but were not smitten enough to aggressively pursue him before, and didn’t want to become so chummy that it was impossible to be anything but friends.

2. Call up all your friends, acquaintances, and relations and ask for at least one referral from each. The theory here is that these are great folks who know you well, and even though they have never tried to set you up with the person before (probably because they don’t feel that person is right for you), you figure that its worth a shot. The person can’t be that bad, and you are finally at the point of making certain concessions you weren’t willing to make before and you are now FORCING your friends and family for names and numbers. You threaten to no longer talk to them if they don’t show how much they care for you and your happiness by giving in to your demands. This should give you anywhere from 10-25 potential mates- or at the very least decent dates- and out of that many you should be able to find at least one who is viable.

3. That EX or Bust. That EX is the one that there was really nothing wrong with, it just didn’t do it for you. They were viable, but the spark just wasn’t there or fizzled too quickly. Everything ended very amicably and you’re still infrequently in touch. So you’ll give them a call and another shot and hope things turn out better- although there’s that voice inside you telling you it won’t for the same ethereal reasons it didn’t work before. It’s that voice that will make you go for the other option: Bust. This is what I was talking about before. You just give up and accept that there’s something wrong with you after all. You’re not sure what’s wrong, but it must be something. You dedicate yourself to therapy and/or intense introspection to discover the flaw and extricate it from your being, so that you may attain the love you so desperately want. Or accept the flaw and find greater contentment in solitude. You throw yourself even more and indefinitely into your career, family, friends, and any other social/civic work you can find to fulfil yourself…always holding out a mustard seed of hope that love will find you, obliviously toiling away in your life, and sweep you off your feet.

4. Pursue that really great friend(s) that’s so funny and smart and you have the best time with and that knows you so well and you know so well and that everyone says you should date and that is achingly single too and you

a.) think is cute, but never saw him that way, but hope you can come around to seeing that way once you start to date and not just hang out OR

b.) you always were attracted to and thought would be great to mate, but they never saw you that way and you are hoping they will change their mind once you start to date and not just hang out.

Either way, there is a sense of settling for both parties because you both know each other so well and know what’s really going on. Its not the worst thing in the world, and might actually work out really well in the end, but at the onset feels like the utter desperation and a slight loss of dignity! So you think you might just not go past number 3 at all and just list number 4 with a question mark beside it…

Going back to “Mistake #3” (Love you, Culture Club!) though, the problem with Bust and starting to think you are severely flawed is that deep in your heart and always in the back of your mind you know it isn’t you.; it really is them. And no matter what you try to do and how much you try to take blame that is unduly yours, you will always know that you were doing what’s right and what’s best; that it didn’t work because either the other person sabotaged it or it just wasn’t meant to be. You accept what is yours- success and/or failure- and move forward from that, content and proud of your maturity, wisdom, and strength. And lastly you continue to believe what you always knew was true: the good guys are f*cked the hell up! You shake your head and keep it movin’!

But on the real, I guess we can’t hold the good guys’ faults against them…at least not if there is any hope of successfully mating. And even us “abnormally sound” folks have good guy moments where our flaws are a little more glaring than usual. So, I suppose we all just have to figure out a way of conceding to those flaws we can deal with or work through and focus more on the more sterling qualities of our fellow man or woman. And in the process, hopefully we can make each other better people by example and by our love.