Can You Decide To Stop Being Gay?

Gays have a media image as happy-go-lucky and carefree, but the reality is that it can be hard to be openly gay.

Reconciling your desires with religious upbringings, negative reaction from friends and family, and socially sanctioned devaluation of our lives can produce an amount of internalized homophobia that requires a huge amount of energy to overcome.

Add to that the challenge of finding your way as a gay adult without any role models to emulate and the emphasis on sex and consumerism in commercial gay life, and some people get overwhelmed and decide all their problems would go away if they were straight.

Last week, a friend of mine opened a conversation with that very statement, “The gay life is so sad. Everything would be easier if I was straight.” And just when I thought that was an isolated incident, I come across the story of Patrick Muirhead, a 41 year old gay man who has written an essay entitled “The Day I Decided To Stop Being Gay.”

Or maybe not.

In the course of explaining his decision to switch teams, it becomes clear that his “decision” is driven more by ego and a need to have someone reliant on him than a true renouncing of gay attraction. This is made evident by his quote “Does this mean that I no longer like men? No, of course not, and I won’t pretend.” Furthermore, he states female companions will have to be “understanding” of any fidelity issues, which I interpret to mean he plans to have occasional same-sex affairs on the side. (I wonder how many women are going to find that attractive.)

Given this half-hearted commitment to heterosexuality, why would Muirhead and other ex-gays go through the motions?
Is it plausible that a straight person, faced with a rough patch in her love life, would consider going gay a realistic solution? It’s amazing what low self-esteem can do to a person.

Generally, I have found that ex-gays use homosexuality as a scapegoat when they’ve failed to work on their personal development. There are two main causes of their unhappiness.

One is frustration that the gay community didn’t roll out the red carpet to welcome them. I’m surprised by people who think coming out is all it takes for anyone to like them. There’s no gold star for being gay; you still have to develop your personality and make yourself attractive to others. That is a fact of life regardless of your orientation, race, age or gender.

The second feature, which Muirhead exemplifies, is a realization that investing in the stereotypical idea of gay life instead of living on a foundation of core principles isn’t satisfying. In Muirhead’s own words, his primary experiences through twenty years of living as a gay man were “numerous hours of internet dating, a dizzying number of casual couplings and a few trips to genitourinary medicine clinics.”

If those are the highlights after two decades in the gay community, it’s no surprise that he’s unhappy!

There is no indication that he bothered to learn about the many LGBTs who have contributed to culture throughout history. Knowing your history can be a source of pride.

There is more to life than what I call “sport fucking” and chasing the latest “must have” item. As I get older, I am coming to believe that true happiness comes from two sources: relationships with people that are based on more than sex and a sense of spirituality. Many opportunities exist in the LGBT world to develop both, but unfortunately many people fail to make these a priority.

I wish Muirhead the best, but I doubt his experiment will be successful. If you are attracted to people of the same sex, you will satisfy that urge, regardless of any claims to the contrary. It may take the form of hooking up in bathrooms, parks, or using the Internet to facilitate living on the DL. But you will eventually gravitate to what you truly want. It’s better to spend time learning to accept yourself than to risk your physical and mental health by being something you’re not.

The gay life may not be easy, but it’s far easier than trying to live a lie.