Is There A Right Way To Come Out?

Coming out is an event that all LGBT people must go through, and two recent events were cause for me to think about how we face the challenge.

First, there was Roy Ashburn, the California state senator whose March 3 arrest on a DUI after leaving a gay club eventually led to the March 8 admission that he is gay.

The same day, The Advocate published an interview with actor Sean Hayes where he came out more than a decade after rising to fame playing the flamboyant Jack on Will And Grace.

Their statements were not well-received by many in the community.

For all intents and purposes, Ashburn’s story could have been ripped from Kirby Dick’s documentary Outrage, which focused on closeted conservative politicians. Ashburn spent his political career voting against every bill that would have improved gay rights and organized events for the homophobic Traditional Values Coalition.

Meanwhile, Hayes spent years refusing to reveal his orientation, even though his characterization of a gay man was just a little bit too realistic to be just acting.

It is easy for people to say they should have come out years ago, but coming out is a decision that we all deal with differently.

While I feel it would be great for everyone to be out, the reality is that economic security, relationships, and personal safety can be jeopardized by coming out. Our desire for role models usually does not outweigh those individual concerns in the eyes of the closeted person, who, after all, is the one who has to deal with the aftermath of coming out.

My problem with Ashburn and Hayes revolves around hypocrisy and hubris.
Despite the obvious contradiction between his personal life and his voting record, Ashburn’s closet was protected by media and politicians like openly gay West Sacramento mayor Christopher Calbadon, who later claimed to out Ashburn on a Facebook posting.

It is one thing to be closeted and minding your own business, but something else when you go out of your way to make life worse for LGBTs. I feel no sympathy for Ashburn, but wish him luck in finding a new career since his political life is over now that his constituents realize his entire persona was built on a lie.

Hayes declared that “I feel like I’ve contributed monumentally to the success of the gay movement in America,” a problematic statement on many levels.

First, while Will and Grace was one of the first programs to center on gay characters, his character was hardly ground-breaking, offering many of the same stereotypes seen in films for decades.

Secondly, I would argue that advances that gays have made are the result of activism and not a prime time show.

Finally, how can you claim credit for something you denied for years? I know entertainers are egotistical by nature, but even I thought this was too much!

Ashburn and Hayes may be family, but I consider them crazy relatives best avoided unless an emergency arises.