You hit on a lot of points that have given me pause. I believe the dating scene is skewed towards the young whether you are gay or straight. I just had a conversation with other single gay friends about whether we’re getting too old to be picky and should just settle for the next man who comes along. One of my friends went so far as to say he’d be in a relationship with someone he wasn’t attracted to. I was shocked.

The unique pressure gay men feel to “lock it down” in their 20s or early 30s is because many gay men disappear from public view after 40. At least that’s how it is in Nashville.
I feel there are a couple of reasons for this:

1. As you get older you probably have less interest in clubs, and that is still the primary social outlet for gay people.
2. If we are single, we have adapted to it and are content to have small gatherings with friends or work on our interests (hobbies, online, church, work, etc).
3. If we’re in a relationship, we spend all our time with our partner and don’t go out!

I have had several conversations with gay black men over 40 and it seems many have given up hope for a relationship. That’s sad. I remain optimistic because I believe there is at least one person out there for everyone and it is a matter of putting yourself in a position to find him. You may have to switch up your routine but I think it’s possible.

As far as Belton, I don’t know his business, but as a well-educated, relatively high profile person, I have to think he had access to a greater range of possible partners than the average guy. I know that people move all the time in academia, so if there was a potential relationship with someone in another city, it is feasible he could have gone to a different institution to be closer to that man. Then again, he may have “given up” and dedicated himself to his career, until meeting Griffin.

Thanks for your comments and I hope you visit often!

Are you in Oregon or Maine? I may be visiting Portland OR for a conference in 2011 and it never hurts to know people in the host city!

I also wanted to say that I saw your comment over at Andy Towelroad’s blog about the Belton murder and I agree with you entirely.

But back to the title of this thread. Obviously, Belton was looking for love in the wrong place but is there a “right” place to look for love when you’re a 53 year old black gay man?

A friend, who happens to be a tenured professor at a respected university here in the midwest (Ohio), and I had a very long and interesting conversation this morning about Belton’s murder. My professor friend is a 60 year old unpartnered black gay man (he’s had many white “lovers”) and he agrees with me that “love” is probably a lost cause for black gay men of a certain age. I’m trying to be hopeful that love will come my way but it’s hard to do.

BTW, keep up the good work.

I question whether Belton had good “options for romance”. He was a 53 year old black gay man.

A 53 year old gay man does not have GOOD options for romance. A gay man has a window of opportunity (age-wise) to find that special someone. A gay man who didn’t find “Mr. Right” while he was in his 20s (or maybe 30s) is typically not going to find healthy romance/love. The world in general, but especially the gay world, is not kind to older people seeking love. In fact, it is very cruel.

That’s why it’s so important for gay men who want to be in long term relationships to realize that they need to make finding love a priority while they still have what is probably their most important asset - their youth.

I am a middle-aged gay man and most of my friends who are in long term relationships established those relationships while they were still in their 20s. There are exceptions to everything of course and you shouldn’t get discouraged but that is the general rule from where I sit.